im feeling much better now.

during my asr prayers yesterday i prayed He give me strength, faith, courage and trust.
and i am blessed for my prayers are answered.
alhamdullillah
spoke to a cousin of mine, one whom i havent really gotten to know much before and had not intended to to know much before.
to put things simply, she had widen my perspective of things.
and im thankful to her.

i havent been a good muslim.
sure, i pray five times a day, i read the Quran, i smile, i donate.
yet i hvnt been truthful in saying that hey, i hv truly accepted my results the way they are.
i got c c e and a b3. definitely smthg i am not proud of.
prolly smthg i hv been covering up, a reality i hv been running away from.

that was my Trigger : undesirable results. (i had prayed to the Lord that if my science results are gd, i'd pursue, but seems likewise so that is settled)
next should have been the Pause.
i repeat, should have.
my Pause never came.
didnt sit down and thing where did things go wrong, didnt give much consideration to the abundance of options i had in that moment in time.
i went straight to Response.
i began questioning why. why me, why these results, why why why why this insecurity that im feeling, why cant i sleep at nyt.
soon there was this facade that im going to be just fine.
i applied for my university admissions.
blinded by my disability to see things in a different light, i shortchanged myself.
i wanted to get it done and over with.

and i missed BOATS.
smu nus rejected me.
ntu is still silent.
application for poly have closed
i didnt apply for nie
i am appealing.
there isnt any speedboats coming my way.
all i have is my sampan.
and im taking each day at a time.

when a Trigger comes, a Response follows.
but between Trigger and Response, there must be a Pause.

yes, i take responsibility for the decisions and choices i made in march.

she told me, in life we're always thinking of plan a, plan b, plan when things dont go the way we want them to. we forget to think of th plan of accepting things the way God has planned them to be. we forget, being the humans that we are.
and being at a seemingly low point of my life, i resorted to questioning why and more whys came to me.

lillahitallah.
a simple phrase. everything i do is lillahitallah, for Him and with Him.

firm faith in Fate she said.
when things go wrong, it's fate,
when things go right, it's fate.
sure it seems so bludy laid back but if one sits down and thinks it through, God is with us every step of the way.
He tests us TO our ability, never beyond our ability.

all these cliches are ironically mking sense to me now. frankly speaking, i literally felt an invisible burden off my shoulders the second i got off the phone with her 2 hours later.
i was able to genuinely smile to myself.

this self realisation has truly educated me.
thank you Lord for letting me experience this. and for the angel you sent me.

now, my gameplan:
1. appeal to smu - done
2. appeal to nus
3. wait for ntu
4. prayers from mum and dad and myslf and pple who care

if things arent the way i planned them to, it is in God's will.
i'll wait for next round of admissions next march.
then among the accomplishments i want for myslf include:
1. radio academy
2. relief teaching, being pro active at it...!
3. tutoring

and of course being contented with what ever that come my way.
it is what God wills it to be.

and now for my sampan...