downed some dhasedyl syrup an hour past midnight. remembered the want to catch ugly betty's first episode on cable but drowsily couldnt take it, so television was switched it off. ready the listless self to bed.

eleven hours later, woke up to a startling mum, calling, ensuring that she was drugged with a reason and not otherwise. her persuasion to visit the doctor AGAIN, simply fell to a deaf pair of ears which belong to an individual with a major lazy pair of legs and mind, fuzzy wuzzy still, yet adamant to self-medicate with WHATEVER pills the hands could hold of.

six tablets & a teaspoon of cough syrup later, she sat at the table. Quranic verses melodically played on the stereo. print-outs of Ramadhan 1428 prayer schedule laid in front of her.

holding them in her hands, the eyes scanned through the timings. soon, the tear ducts began swelling up. the fingers became fast acquaintance with a piece of kleenex.

it wasnt because she was upset with the impending fasting month. it wasnt because she was unhappy with the endless list of things that she couldnt get control of (and then the mental list of things she hasnt been keeping up with, or the body being physically not there)

it was excitement.

it was utter excitement that Ramadhan's here to come. the holy month for us, the ummah, to live it out. that one month that Allah bestow upon her to seek keredhaan upon all her past misgivings, ketidak-syukuran in the gifts of Life He has been giving her.

for all of that. and then more. the month where she niats to get closer with herself, with friends seperjuangan and with Him, insyaAllah and away from transgression, masyaAllah.

ya Allah, only You know my deepest fears, insecurities, apprehensions and my past, present and future dosa-dosa, out in the open and deep in my heart. only You can guide me to the Straight Path. from You i come, and to You i return, to You i tawaakal to. i pray that You will continue guiding us, tegakkan our iman, and not let us astray. amin ya rabbal alamin.